Normalizing Again

Can you ever really be normal again after something like this happens to you? I'm hoping that I can be. It's been nine days since I lost our sweet baby and it's been a terrible week. The emotional roller coaster has been a very intense ride. But the last few days have been good to me. I can't thank my wonderful friends and family enough for being so loving and supportive during this hard time.

I am leaving in a few days for our Thanksgiving Vacation so I will likely be MIA until I get back. But I'm anxious to get back to writing, especially since I've had some new insight through this most recent experience. I am anxious to get it written, so check back in a couple of weeks and see what this lady has to say!

A Set Back

I posted last week that I was pregnant. That took a bad turn and I've suffered a miscarriage this week. It's been a terrible experience and one that I hope to never repeat. We are devastated, but life goes on and this ache will hopefully diminish as time passes. So I will likely be MIA for a while as I pick up the pieces and move forward. I will post again when I'm up to it.

Really Busy

Sorry for no new episodes lately. Our household is super busy, especially with the holidays in full force now. And I recently found out I'm pregnant and I'm REALLY tired and getting yucky morning sickness....so this blog has been on the back burner. If you are not a yet a follower through Blogger, add me to your list and it will inform you as soon as I update, so you don't have to keep checking back only to be disappointed. I'll write more when I get some free time!

Episode 29- The Morning Of (Part I)

All the preparations were done. The house was clean, bags were packed, meals were sitting in the fridge. I put Ethan to bed and sat in the darkness and starred at the clock. Cody's plane would be in shortly and I prayed that everything would go smoothly. We had both been apprehensive about him making a trip so close to the delivery, but there wasn't much he could do about it. He had to go, so we did a lot of praying that he would make it back in time.

I watched the weather and constantly checked his flight status online and although everything was going as planned, I still felt apprehensive and scared. The moment Cody walked through the door I breathed a huge sigh of relief and hugged him tightly. It was almost midnight and we had a huge day ahead of us. So I popped several pills and tried to get some sleep. Again I hadn't been aloud to eat anything and empty stomach kept me awake.

At 5:00 the next morning I got ready and went out to shovel snow. I had so much adrenaline pumping through my veins and I needed to release it. Aunt Lyn arrived to stay with Ethan and Cody and I gently kissed him goodbye as not to wake him, and then we crept out the door.

I was delivering the baby at 38 weeks and 5 days. Draper had a policy where he would not electively perform a c-section before 39 weeks without doing an amnio first to check for lung development. I guess he had seen his share of 38 weekers with immature lungs, so he insisted on checking that before beginning the surgery.

The amnio was quick and almost painless. The tech was guided by ultrasound and we were able to watch everything on the screen. "Your baby has hair," she said to us. She pointed it out and sure enough, we could see tiny wisps floating around in there. As I looked at her I suddenly felt excited. That was my baby and I would meet her shortly.

Episode 28- Our Last Day Together

The next few days were hard. Cody had to go out of town to Philadelphia and I was left alone with Ethan. I had never been left completely alone with him over night. To the normal person it would not have been a big deal...but I wasn't normal. So it was hard.

The day Cody left I sat alone in the living room and felt so small. He had made some casseroles and easy dinners for me so I didn't have to do anything, and I was grateful for it. But I felt very small, very alone, and very scared. There was a terrible snow storm that week that never seemed to let up. And apparently it was really bad out east where Cody was.

I kept myself occupied during the day making final preparations for the baby's arrival. The day before her birth I took Ethan out to drive around the University hospital. This is where I would be in a few short hours. How would our lives change? We then went to Baskin Robins to get some ice cream (even though it was January and 20 degrees outside). We sat there together and I tried desperately to take in the moment.

As I gazed into his sweet face covered in chocolate, I wondered how I would ever love another child as much as I loved him. It wasn't possible and I didn't see how it would ever happen. Feelings of anger ran through me as I thought of how our time was short. Soon there would be another person vying for my attention. Ethan would inevitably get the shaft and there was nothing I could do about it.

That night I let him stay up as long as he wanted to. We cuddled on the couch and watched American Idol and then Bob the Builder until he drifted off to sleep in my lap. I stroked his soft blond curls and sobbed. I did not want this time to end.

Journaling

I've had many people ask me how I remember so many details and how I'm able to write it all in story form. I have always been a serious chronicler and documenter, so obviously I kept a journal through this event. Some people have said that they would have blocked most of this from memory of it had happened to them. Well I feel that it is a gift that I remember the details so vividly. And as I sit and write, it amazes me how the memories come flooding back as if it were yesterday. When I get to the episodes surrounding my second hospitalization, I will likely take pieces directly from the journal because I don't think I'll be able to reenact that kind of drama. Some of those entries are extremely ugly and terrifying.

I know it is a gift from God that allows me to remember, because through writing it out, I am helping people. I can't count the numerous emails I get from strangers who say this story is helping them. Either they themselves have/are experiencing something similar or someone close to them is going through it. So I feel that the Lord is blessing me as I write to be able to conjure up feelings and emotions that I otherwise would try to suppress.

I've also had people ask me if I would consider writing a book. The answer to that is- I don't know. Draper and I talked about it on a few occasions, but I never thought anyone would be interested in publishing anything like this. Who would read it anyway? So that is why I decided to start the blog a few months ago. Maybe one day it will get turned into a book, but for now I'm slowly chronicling it this way. If anything, I want my posterity to be able to read what I've written.

I've also had people ask me how I'm able to write about this and not get sucked back into depression. Again, I think the Lord is helping me and shielding me at the same time. And I decided when I first started writing that I would only allow myself twenty minutes at a time to blog. I have a timer here on the desk and when I sit down to write I set it for twenty minutes. When it dings, I have to stop. Then I pick right back up where I left off. So that's one way I don't get sucked back in.

Episode 27- The Day of Decision

I laid in bed that night and starred at the ceiling. There was a possibility that we would hear bad news at the appointment the next day and that we would deliver a baby that day. What would be wrong with her? Why was she so little? So I didn't sleep much. And the sleep that did come was very restless at that.

We dropped Ethan off at Lance and Courtnee's that morning. It was wonderful knowing that he was in good hands with his Aunt and Uncle and they were more than accommodating in the chance of him needing to spend the night. Then we were off to the hospital. I was in agony as we waited for our turn in the ultrasound room. I had been instructed not to eat anything after midnight the previous night. Obviously my hunger pains contributed a little to my lack of sleep that night. Here it was almost lunch time and my poor belly was empty!

I held my breath during most of the test. We were again assured that our baby was in fact a girl and that everything was perfect. They took very detailed measurements and that looked good too. From what they could tell, she was right on target and in perfect health. So we then went in to see Draper down the hall. I sat there in the exam room and felt so relieved. I told Cody that when we left there I wanted to get a big fat cheeseburger. "What makes you so sure that you are going home? You don't know that Draper is going to be happy with the results." Then a pit formed in my stomach as we waited for him to come in.

It turned out that according to the test, the baby was measuring in the 60th percentile for size. Draper was in fact happy with the results and we were given the okay to go home. We were instructed to be back there in one week for her actual delivery. I wanted to jump for joy!

Cody and I immediately dashed out of there and headed for TGI Friday's. We had eaten at this particular restaurant several times while dating and before having children. It brought back so many fond memories of when life was simple. As the two of us sat there and ate (and while I wolfed down any parcel of food in sight) things felt safe and for a brief time, I felt happy.