Thursday, October 1, 2009

Needing to Write

It's been ages since I've updated this blog. I have a million things to write about (and the more time that passes, the more I come up with to journal.) I wish I had the time to document everything. Life has been freakishly crazy for about a year now. Last fall I got pregnant and experienced a very sad miscarriage. Then I got pregnant again toward the end of January and I was so sick and tired during that first trimester. Then in March I was called to be the Primary president in our ward. Wow, what a challenging task that turned out to be. In fact, that is the understatement of the year. Then in May and June I had some family issues arise that are too personal to publish on here, but they were very difficult to overcome.

And above all, when life seemed to be normalizing again, my dear brother Joseph was killed in a car accident on July 1st.

This has been a year of learning and growth for me. I know that the Lord doesn't have us endure trials in vain. The knowledge I've gained this year is priceless. It's been devastating and heart wrenching, but priceless. And through it all, I've in ways never felt closer to the Lord. For that I am so grateful.

As I sit here and write this, I am only 11 days away from meeting my new baby boy. I feel him kicking and squirming and trying to rip right through my lower half. I am very stressed and sore and everything in my body hurts. But I am so happy and excited about life. I have three beautiful and perfect children and adding this fourth's enough to bring me to tears.

I look back at the last four years and all that we have been through since that experience with my second pregnancy. Life has a way of teaching us lessons. I know I have a lot of blanks to fill in to make the story complete, and I'll get to that in time. But getting from point A to where we are now has been an adventure, and I don't think we'd trade it for anything.

One day I want to sit in the Celestial Kingdom and have my loved ones surrounding me. I long for the day when I can embrace my sweet brother again and never have to say good-bye. I miss him so much on a daily basis that I can barely breathe. There is so much I want to say to him. Just being able to see his cute smile and hear his laugh again is enough motivation to send me to Hell and back...if it means that I've been refined enough to be with him and the rest of my family forever.

We don't get to that point in our eternal progression with out experiencing heart ache. Often times, immense heart ache. I think about what Joseph Smith and Jesus Christ endured during their mortal lives. If I am ever to attain salvation equal to their own I have to endure pain too. But with that pain comes indescribable joy. And so I sit here and I think of meeting this new baby boy, who is likely in the company of his Uncle Joseph at the moment.

The thought of meeting and holding a spirit so fresh from Heaven brings me to tears. I can't wait.