Friday, March 11, 2011

5 Years

Look at the girl in this picture. What do you see? I see a girl is beyond beautiful, both inside and out. I see a girl who is obsessed with ballet and animals. I see a girl who smothers me on a daily basis with hugs and kisses and "I love yous". I see a girl who is creative and artistic and will be starting kindergarten in August. I see a girl who I love more than words can say.

Hailey Jane turned five years old in January. I've done a lot of pondering and reflecting with this huge milestone in her life. Where I was five years ago, what I was going through, and the journey I've taken to become the person I am today. My OB and dear friend, Mike, and I joked at a recent appointment that we have now lived together for five and half years. In a way it really feels like that! Hailey is with me at every baby appointment and at this particulr one, it touched me how Dr. Mike interacted with her. There was something different about it as we talked about what a big milestone her fifth birthday was for all of us. He scooped her up in his arms, gave her a huge hug and kiss on the cheek and told her how special she is. Then he held her up so she could hold the doppler as we listened to the baby's heart beat. Oh I guess I have not posted since Novemeber when we found out we are having another perfectly healthy little BOY!! He will be arriving on or before April 7th.

Five years. So much has happened during this time, and it seems like a lifetime ago that I was sitting in the psychiatric unit at Lakeview Hospital. I was there at this time in 2006 and it feels surreal to think about.

Today I was at the park and talked to a couple of ladies who are readers of this blog...or who WERE readers until I stopped writing in it. I make excuses all the time about why I stopped writing. Yes, I am busy beyond belief and life has thrown us some curve balls in the last couple of years which have taken up huge amounts of my time and emotional energy. But the truth of that matter is that I feel that I'm not the same person who sat in a lonely bedroom on the fourth floor of Lakeview Hospital in 2006. I'm not the same person, but it doesn't mean that that person didn't help mold me into the person I've become. Does that make sense?

The truth of the matter is it often scares me to think about that time. Hollow and scared are the best words to describe who I was back then. But I do need to continue to write this story, if for nothing else than my own posterity. I want to remember what happened and I want my children to one day understand this time in our lives. It was a very significant time in our family history, a time that should not be scary as it was.

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