Monday, July 14, 2008

Episode 4- The Monster

The monster stayed with me all night long. Cody says that is what I called the dark figure that I saw and heard. Tuesday morning Jane came over again and she forced me to eat. She all but shoved food into my mouth and made me chew and I gagged and cried as I ate it.

By late morning Cody and I were sitting back in Schneiman's office. I don't remember much from that session, but I do recall sitting there again wearing dark sunglasses and telling him about the moster. Cody and Schneiman were both afraid as I relayed the experience. I remember Schneiman asking me point blank "Do you want to drink the Drain-O?.....Do you think you will hurt yourself or someone else?" I think the latter question must have been directed more at Cody because I was pretty incoherent.

Schneiman made some phone calls and later that day I was sitting in an evaluation room on the 4th floor of the hospital. The entire 4th floor was the psychiatric unit. I was very out of it, but I was aware enough to be terrified at the thought of staying in that place. It was much like out of a movie with patients walking around in hospital clothes with looks of despair on their faces. Doctors wandered the halls in white lab coats and it smelled of industrial strength cleaner.

I sat on the bed in my room as a counselor asked me many questions. What day is it, what is the year, who was the first U.S. president, what is your address, count backwards from 10, remember this series of words and repeat it to me later...etc. After she left the room another guy came in and drew several viles of blood. Then a nurse came in, gave me a couple of pills, and she left a tray of food that I was forced to eat. The amount of food eaten, I'd come to find out, would be recorded after each meal.

I sat in that cold and sterile room and felt so alone and small. My world had just been ripped out from under me and I was helpless. I kept thinking about the baby in my belly and at that moment I hated it. I wanted desperately to end the pregnancy. Maybe I'd fall down the stairs. Maybe I'd trip and fall on a knife and if I was lucky, I would die too. The pills the nurse had given me, whatever they were, kicked in and the room began to spin. The next thing I knew it was dark outside.

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