Friday, October 3, 2008

Episode 23- 3D Ultrasound

My mom had been asking me what I'd like for Christmas and I knew there was only one thing. I wanted an ultrasound session with Fetal Fotos, one of those 3D ultrasound franchises. I knew that she would be our last baby and I really wanted to have this done. I also felt that by seeing her in such a real way, that maybe I would feel more connected to her. So I made an appointment for around 32 weeks (even though it was before Christmas).

During the entire thing I held my breath as I waited to see something bad on the screen. I feared that there would be something wrong that hadn't been caught on a previous ultrasound. The tech looked and looked and only had wonderful things to say. But even as I laid there on the bed and saw that beautiful baby on the screen I still didn't feel the connection that I longed for. Instead, I felt very sad.

Cody hadn't wanted to go with me that day. It hurt so much that he wouldn't be a part of it and his lack of interest made me feel like even HE didn't care about the baby. As I drove home that evening the tears feel like rain. Why was it so hard for us to feel kindly toward this innocent girl? Did we love her at all? She had done nothing wrong, yet she was being born into a family that might not give her the best life she deserved. Over the next few days I starred at the pictures and watched the video intently. I prayed that somehow I would feel that this baby was in fact mine and that I was capable of giving her love.

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