Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Episode 28- Our Last Day Together

The next few days were hard. Cody had to go out of town to Philadelphia and I was left alone with Ethan. I had never been left completely alone with him over night. To the normal person it would not have been a big deal...but I wasn't normal. So it was hard.

The day Cody left I sat alone in the living room and felt so small. He had made some casseroles and easy dinners for me so I didn't have to do anything, and I was grateful for it. But I felt very small, very alone, and very scared. There was a terrible snow storm that week that never seemed to let up. And apparently it was really bad out east where Cody was.

I kept myself occupied during the day making final preparations for the baby's arrival. The day before her birth I took Ethan out to drive around the University hospital. This is where I would be in a few short hours. How would our lives change? We then went to Baskin Robins to get some ice cream (even though it was January and 20 degrees outside). We sat there together and I tried desperately to take in the moment.

As I gazed into his sweet face covered in chocolate, I wondered how I would ever love another child as much as I loved him. It wasn't possible and I didn't see how it would ever happen. Feelings of anger ran through me as I thought of how our time was short. Soon there would be another person vying for my attention. Ethan would inevitably get the shaft and there was nothing I could do about it.

That night I let him stay up as long as he wanted to. We cuddled on the couch and watched American Idol and then Bob the Builder until he drifted off to sleep in my lap. I stroked his soft blond curls and sobbed. I did not want this time to end.

1 comment:

Ted and Becky said...

This is exactly how I felt when my second child was born. I remember SOBBING in the hosptial after my husband took my firstborn home to put him to bed. I know it wasn't rational, but I was so angry at my newborn, that I wasn't the one putting my 2 year old to bed that night.

*sigh*

Hugs to you and thanks for giving this issue a voice!
Becky (from BBC)