Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Episode 25- A Hard Realization

The holidays came and went. I spent most of the days around Christmas with my feet up because I was contracting constantly. But the baby never decided to come early and I was grateful.

Cody had a company party at a hotel downtown the first week of January and my little sister came into town to babysit Ethan so we could have a night off. To say I felt miserable the entire night was an understatement. It was horrible and I was so swollen. Ironically, I gained the least amount of weight with Hailey and she was the smallest baby yet, but I was the most swollen by far. My fingers and toes looked like sausages and I could barely bend my wrists and ankles.

On this particular night I sat through dinner and the performance just counting the minutes until we could leave. About half way through the evening I started contracting again, but this time they didn't let up. They worsened and finally I told Cody we needed to get going. I wasn't due for three more weeks, but maybe the baby had other plans.

I remember having a hard time breathing while I waited in the lobby for Cody to get the car. I had to breathe through the contractions and I felt certain that the baby was on her way. But by the time we got home and I got into a warm tub of water, I felt much better and the contractions stopped.

A few days later I had an OB appointment and Ethan went with me, of course. My c-section had been scheduled for January 19th which was still two weeks away. I was Draper's last patient of the day and he did all of the standard measurements. It was nice that he wasn't rushed to get off to another patient because we were able to sit there and talk. I had grown to like our weekly visits because I felt like I could unload on him in a way that I couldn't on people who were closer to me.

As he measured my belly, I mentioned to him that I was concerned that I wasn't very big. People were always making comments to me that I was tiny for being so far along. Underweightedness was a possiblele fetal side effect from all my medications and that was always a worry in the not so back part of my mind. Draper and I talked about it and he said that I was in fact measuring small. So he scheduled an ultrasound for the following week.

He said to come to the hospital that day with a bag packed and arrangements made in case I needed to deliver. I was so confused! I assumed that if she was too small, then they would want to let her cook a while longer to ripen more. But he said that if the ultrasound suggested she was measuring below a certain point, he would want to go on an deliver her because that would signal a possible problem and she would need to get out right then and there, but he did want to give it another week to see how things progressed. So we made the appointment and I left the office.

The moment I got in my car I began sobbing in deep heaves. I cried the whole way home and when I walked in the door I was met by Cody's concerned face. I relayed to him what had taken place with Draper and I cried "Cody, this is our last baby for sure. I just can't do this again. My heart can not take anymore!!!" We had been going back and forth about our family size. Were we done? Should we chance it one more time? Should we go on and do something permanent upon delivery? But at this point my mind was made up. So the two of us sat there on the couch and he let me cry it out as he held me. The dream of our big family had been shattered.


Valerie said...

I can relate to having the choice on more children made for you, rather than by you. I mean, it feels so bleak that you wouldn't want to dare risk it all again.

Jeanette said...

What a small world we live in. I am up late tonight, unable to sleep, so I was blog hopping. I hit my recommended feeds from my google reader and someone posted a comment about your blog. It sounded just like my last 8 years of life, so I was intrested. I scrolled down and saw your picture. I gasped. Just two months ago I pulled out your wedding announcement and thought, "I should google her and get in touch." Life happened and I haven't yet. You probably don't remember me, but I was your YW pres. briefly. What a small world, and it looks as though we have had many of the same experiences. Good for you for starting a blog about it. I think it is so important to talk about seeing that so many suffer and think they are alone. I was really wondering how you were doing. I am so glad I found your blog!