Going home was filled with bittersweet feelings for me. All I wanted was to get back to normal, to regain a sense of order and predictablity like my life once revolved around. Cody and I left the hospital and went straight for the pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled.
I had been to that Kmart pharmacy many times for various reasons, but as the Pharmacist did his typical consult about these particular drugs, I was filled with shame and remorse. What had I done? How could I continue to posion my baby in such a way? He probably thought I was a disgusting and horrible person. Why couldn't I deal with these mysterious issues on my own with out drugs? Why would I put my own health above that of my baby? As a mother, I had grown acustomed to putting myself second before my son. I think it is just an insitinct as a mother. Yet here I was, knwingly hurting my unborn baby and I wasn't about to stop. I was a terrible person for it.
As we walked into our apartment, a creepy feeling of deja-vu engilfed me. It was so familar to me. We had spent two years in this home. Our family had started here and numerous beautiful memories were made. But also, the memories of recent weeks came flooding back to me. The horror, the confusion, the nightmares, the hallucinations...and the Monster.
Jane was still in town and Cody's Dad, Allan, had also come in to help. They decided to re-arrange our apartment while we were gone. When we walked in they were in the middle of making the final touches. Our bedroom was completely different. The bed was moved, the dresser, desk, everything. They figured it was bad for me to come back into the place and have it look the same. The last thing I needed was to lie back down in that bed and stare at the same spot on the ceiling. They thought I needed a new spot. Turns out they were right because when I saw that things looked differently, I breathed a small sigh of relief. In a way I felt like I was getting a fresh start. It's funny that something as simple as changing furniture around helped me with the transition back home.
That afternoon I sat on my bed as everyone continued to unpack my things and finish with our newly changed apartment. I sat there and began my Bliss Jounral, something that Chris the Buddhist had suggested I write. I started by listing all of the things I could think of that I was grateful for. Sunshine, family, Ethan, the gospel, slip 'n slides, swimming pools, Texas, air comditioning, high heels, pretty earrings...the list went on and on. I would continue to add to that journal on a daily basis. Whenever I started to feel panic, anxiety, depression, or anything that could get me down, I was to write anything down that was positive and happy. Chris' reasoning behind this journal was "fake it until you make it".
I had been to that Kmart pharmacy many times for various reasons, but as the Pharmacist did his typical consult about these particular drugs, I was filled with shame and remorse. What had I done? How could I continue to posion my baby in such a way? He probably thought I was a disgusting and horrible person. Why couldn't I deal with these mysterious issues on my own with out drugs? Why would I put my own health above that of my baby? As a mother, I had grown acustomed to putting myself second before my son. I think it is just an insitinct as a mother. Yet here I was, knwingly hurting my unborn baby and I wasn't about to stop. I was a terrible person for it.
As we walked into our apartment, a creepy feeling of deja-vu engilfed me. It was so familar to me. We had spent two years in this home. Our family had started here and numerous beautiful memories were made. But also, the memories of recent weeks came flooding back to me. The horror, the confusion, the nightmares, the hallucinations...and the Monster.
Jane was still in town and Cody's Dad, Allan, had also come in to help. They decided to re-arrange our apartment while we were gone. When we walked in they were in the middle of making the final touches. Our bedroom was completely different. The bed was moved, the dresser, desk, everything. They figured it was bad for me to come back into the place and have it look the same. The last thing I needed was to lie back down in that bed and stare at the same spot on the ceiling. They thought I needed a new spot. Turns out they were right because when I saw that things looked differently, I breathed a small sigh of relief. In a way I felt like I was getting a fresh start. It's funny that something as simple as changing furniture around helped me with the transition back home.
That afternoon I sat on my bed as everyone continued to unpack my things and finish with our newly changed apartment. I sat there and began my Bliss Jounral, something that Chris the Buddhist had suggested I write. I started by listing all of the things I could think of that I was grateful for. Sunshine, family, Ethan, the gospel, slip 'n slides, swimming pools, Texas, air comditioning, high heels, pretty earrings...the list went on and on. I would continue to add to that journal on a daily basis. Whenever I started to feel panic, anxiety, depression, or anything that could get me down, I was to write anything down that was positive and happy. Chris' reasoning behind this journal was "fake it until you make it".
2 comments:
Veronica, you are so brave to write all of this down and share it with the world. I hope it will help you.
I want to tell you that I have suffered from severe anxiety attacks for the longest time. I was ashamed of it, tried to hide from everything, barely saw anyone, had to quit school even. It went from bad to worse very quickly. Doctors suggested I take medication but I refused, again and again. I am not a medication person, I always look for another solution first. Although I did not look for any back then. I took medication for a very short time, to go to college, which I did not complete because it just got too much for me. I love studying though and I read many books and am writing one myself.
When I was finally pregnant with my first child, things got really bad. I had to be hospitalized because I had a bacterial infection. Then, they discovered that my baby's heart was not beating right and sent me to a big city's hospital. I remember crying like I had never cried before. I had one anxiety attack after another. My dh was amazing, he helped me through them. The second time I went back to the big city's hospital for an emergency c-section (which never happened, I was sent back home), I did much better. I was very sick all through my pregnancy and was anxiously waiting for the birth to take medication that would help with the infection. Turns out that at birth, I bled alot and needed iron supplement, which got rid of the infection.
As for the anxiety attacks...
It all changed the day I gave birth to my first child. Now, as a mom of five, I barely get any anxiety attacks at all and when I do, they are very mild. I am so much better now.
Many years have passed since I was sick. I now have a better understanding of why I was sick and what I did wrong. I should not have hidden, I should have pushed myself. I lost so much. I had big dreams, going to college and university, study history and become a teacher, travel the world, get married and have kids.
I have a great relationship with Patrick, we have five amazing kids together, we are happy and so lucky to be together. I may not be an history teacher but I am homeschooling my kids and love it. So, although my live has not turned out like I wanted it to, I am happy.
Julie
P.S. I have insomnia at every full moon. I have learned to just stay in bed and rest.
Wow, you're amazing. Can't wait to read more!
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