Monday, September 8, 2008

Episode 10- Adjusting To A New Life

We somehow made it through the first few days and we tried to adapt to this new life that had been thrown at us. All of us walked around every day on eggsells, not wanting to disturb the fragile new balance we had atained.

There was one particularly bad blow that made me feel like a complete failure. I had been tending our nephew, Carson, who was the baby of Cody's brother Lance. He is only a few weeks younger than Ethan and I watched him in our home since he was five months old. The boys were toddlers at this time. Obviously when things went "koo koo" with me I was no longer his sitter.

It was just one more thing in my life that I had given up, something that was beyond my control. And I felt like I had let Lance and Courtnee down. Obviously they were well aware of the situation and they understood, but I felt like a failure and I was mortified to even see them.

I can only imagine how hard it is to send your baby to a sitter's every day, and I'm sure they felt fortunate that Cody and I were in a position where it was possible for me to watch him. And here that was no longer a posibility and they were forced to look elsewhere for his care. It was a giant blow to my ego. Looking back on it, I was lucky that I was still able to care for my own child, but even then I know that it was because of divine intervention that I could still do it.

When I was discharged from the hospital, the doctors were optimistic that I would be weaned from all meds within 30 days. Who were these people and who issued them their medical licenses? Okay sure, that is how it works. Get me fully hooked and dependent on the drugs and then expect me to be done with them after four weeks.

I continued to see Schneiman on a bi-weekly basis. On my first session with him post-discharge, I sat in his office and wept at the thought of my detox. How on earth was it possible? How could I suddenly give up what I had become so dependent on for my sanity, my security, and my SLEEP!!!

He didn't fill me with false hope. He said that he thought it was a long shot that I would be off the drugs in one month. He thought it seemed impossible, but we would work toward a more realistic plan. At hearing his words I was filled with a little peace. It was something to work toward and I was willing.

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