Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Episode 20- Working the System

As time went on, my dependecy on my meds only worsened. I remembered how upon discharge from the hospital during the summer, the psychs said I should be off all drugs within thirty days. Months had passed and not only was I not off of them, my dosages on everything had increased and I was highly addicted. It was a physical addiction for sure, but morover it was a psychological addiction.

There were nights when I would be sitting there alone in the darkness and wonder what it would be like to dump all my pills down the disposal. What if I was to never take them again? I would entertain the idea for a moment, then I would panic at the thought and I couldn't get those pills down my throat fast enough. I was aware that I would be hooked on pills for the rest of my life. It was something I had come to accept.

During this time Cody's mind and sainity began to suffer as well. You've heard of sympathy weight, referring to the weight a man gains during his wife's pregnancy. Well Cody was experiencing sympathy insainty and sympathy insomnia. He wasn't sleeping well amd I convinced him to go to the doctor to get started on some meds too. We would be one happy pill popping family! Our family practitioner prescribed him ATIVAN!!! I was so thrilled, and this is why-

Ativan is a controlled substance and I was only able to fill it once every thirty days. I would go in to see Dr. Draper but I was never fully honest with him. He would ask me how I was doing and how the meds were working for me. I always wanted to tell him that I wasn't surviving on 2 mg of Ativan a day. I really needed at least 4 mg. I was afraid that he would see that my addiction was out of hand and by some turn of events I would end up hospitalized again. So I would lie to him and.

For thirty days I would only have sixty mg of Ativan, but I would always use it up by about day fifteen. Do the math and you'll see that I was out of the stuff long before the end of the month. No way no how could I refill it before then. So when Cody came home with his prescription for Ativan I was ellated because I knew I could steal his. Even if he needed it, I didn't care. All I cared about was having more at my disposal. If he noticed his pills were being depeleted, I would figure out some way to cover it up or make up some lie about how they got dumped. At the moment I didn't care about the consequences. All I cared about was my next fix.

So as soon as my thirty day supply was gone, I began to dig into Cody's. Luckily for me, the Trazodone was not as highly controlled so I always had more of that on hand. If for somre reason I ever ran short on Ativan, I would double up on Trazodone and get my fix that way. Or if I didn't have enough of those, I would take anything else in the medicine cabinet that had a similar effect. Nyquil, benadryl, cough syrup, Xanex, codine or percocet (left over from a back injury)...anything to make myself feel high.

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