Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Episode 16- Different To Others, Too

For a people person, going through something like this is terrible because it turns you into a socially awkward person. For the first time in my life I knew what it was like to be shy.

Cody's family reunion was coming up and I dreaded it. Many of his family members knew what had happened and I hated to see their pitty faces. I didn't want people to feel like they had to walk on egg shells around me. I didn't want people to see me as fragile. I would have rather stayed away from the reunion all together, but I was a good sport and I went along.

It was a weekend ordeal and I lasted okay during the first evening's activities, but as we were driving to his aunt's house for ice cream, I started having an attack and I became hysterical. The thought of being around people made my stomch hurt. I felt that I couldn't do it but somehow I managed to pull myself together and I made it through the night. But I knew what people were thinking the whole time and it made me ill.

At the end of August we had our ultrasound and that was the first time since I "snapped" that I felt at all close to the baby. I had felt close to Ethan from the first moment I found out I was pregnant. By the time we had the ultrasound I felt like I already knew him completely. Then by the time he was born I felt like I'd known him forever. I longed to have that same closeness with out baby.

We found out it was a girl and that everything was perfectly healthy. They could find no traces of anything wrong with her and I felt a little relieved, but not fully convinced. But I tried to put it out of my head and focus on my daughter and what all that meant. I was estatic and for the rest of the day I was on cloud nine. It was as if God granted me a small break and I felt good again.

For the next week or so I was doing okay. My attacks were not happening as often and I was sleeping just a little better (heavily medicated, of course). We went to Cody's parents house for Labor Day weekend and I felt tranquil, even with his family around. In fact on Labor Day we were sitting out on the lawn and I felt the cool breeze on my face and I remember feeling peaceful and happy, for the first time in a long time. Things seemed to be looking up and as we drove back home, I even said to Cody that I felt good.

Schneiman and I talked about it later in the week and he seemed hopeful. Perhaps things in my mind and body were evening back out. Maybe things were looking up.

Or maybe it was the calm before the storm.
My sweet baby girl
Labor Day in Idaho

1 comment:

Ute Family said...

I still can't get over the great detail you put into your words. It's amazing. Honestly, you need to write a book. It would for sure get published :)