Sunday, September 14, 2008

Inside My Own Liberty Jail

I hate to interrupt the episodes, but I have to share a few thoughts; thoughts that have hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I have been watching KBYUTV tonight and I've seen/heard some great talks. But one talk in particular had profound meaning for me. I wish I could put this talk into words for you, but I can't find the text version. It is a CES fireside given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.
You can listen to the talk here, and I highly recommend that you do. Take 30 minutes out of your busy schedule to listen. You can actually download it onto your Ipod and listen while you fold laundry! But at any cost, please listen to the talk.

I believe the talk is entitled "Lesson from Liberty Jail" in which Elder Holland speaks about the trials that Joesph Smith went through during his stay there. This part of D&C has always been so meaningful to me, but as I listened to Elder Holland tonight I likened it to my experience these past three years.

The trials I went through (and my family too) were so intense and there were days when I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I probably felt a lot like the Prophet on more than one occasion. Continue reading the saga and you will understand why. I felt that the Lord had forsaken me and I was alone. Why was this happening? What had I done to deserve it? When would it be over? How would I make it through? These thoughts circulated my mind on a daily basis.

I continually prayed for strength, although there were many days when I was about to give up and I felt that my prayers weren't going past the ceiling. But looking back on it, I see that the Lord was so close to me during this trying time. It was when I felt the weakest that His arms encircled me and held me up. It was when I felt that I could not make it that He carried me piggy back across the depths of despair. The words of D&C 122:7 keep coming to mind as I reflect on this.

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

This trial was given to me for a reason and I am so much stronger because of it. If I could have only seen things at the time the way I do now. But my vision was mortal and couldn't see past the moment that I was in. I am so thankful to the Lord for trusting me enough to give me such a challenge. I know that He only gives us what we can handle. I saw what I was made of and I am thankful that I was in fact able to sit in Liberty Jail for a time. And I'm thankful that the Lord carried me out of it.

Sorry again for the interuption, but my heart is full and I felt that it may burst if I didn't get that out. Keep reading and my words will ultimately make sense to you.


The Richards Family said...

I just want to thank you for sharing this. I struggled with PPD on a much smaller scale and it is nice to read other's perspectives on the matter - especially from an LDS point of view. You are a very captivating writer...

Becka (mikeswife0621 from BBC)

Krystin said...

thank you again, this post was just what i needed in my life right now. I have suffered from PPD with all 5 of my kids, this last one (#5) being the worst by far. I appreciate your blog, your story, the knowledge that there is a light at the end of the LOOOONG tunnel ahead of me.

(punkrokmama from BBC)

Ute Family said...

I can't believe you made it through that time in your life. You are such a wonderful person with such a strong testimony. For some reason, you had to endure that part of your life and you made it through. You are amazing and truely inspirational!