Someone had died.
I would walk around each day with the sick feeling in my stomach and heart that one might feel after losing a loved one. I wasn't really dead, but the part of me that used to be vibrant and full of life was no more. She may as well have been dead and I was certain she wasn't coming back. Things I once loved didn't hold luster for me anymore. Things that used to bring me joy now brought me misery and confusion.
I had once been a person who was in control of her life and her surroundings. I got things done. I was a go getter and I feared almost nothing. That is not true because I feared people thinking less of me. I had been working in the primary presidency at church for a long time and I was on top of things. I know people thought of me as a pragmatic and responsible person. But after my downfall, I knew that their opinions of me had changed. I was fully aware that word had spread through out our ward and I was mortified beyond belief.
Our house was going to be finished in one month and I decided to hide out from everyone I knew. I was looking forward to moving because it meant that I could start fresh. No one in our new community would know of our circumstances and I felt that I could leave it all behind and re-invent myself. Oh if only life worked that way.
I had once been a daring person. Schneiman and I talked about this numerous times and he believed that the old Veronica was not dead, but had been shocked into hybernation. He said all we needed to do was wake her up so on one occasion he gave me an assignment. He said he wanted Cody, Ethan and I to go to the local ski resort and ride the tram. It would take us up to 10,000 feet elevation and drop us off at the top of the mountain. Then we would catch another tram back down to the resort. He wanted me to do this because it was a great opportunity to practice REBT in a real life setting. (I will touch more on REBT in a later episode).
So one Saturday we packed up and drove to the ski resort. To shorten the story, it was a terrible and frightening experince for me. I was overcome with panic the whole time and after we got off the tram, I got on the ground and held Ethan and sobbed like a child. I cried because I was scared, but I cried more out of frustration. Why did I feel so much anxiety from the experience? It my normal mind it would have given me a rush and I would have gotten to the bottom and jumped right back on to do it again. But there I sat on the cold cement, clinging to my child, my knuckles white with fear.
Where was the old Veronica? Would I ever meet her again?
I would walk around each day with the sick feeling in my stomach and heart that one might feel after losing a loved one. I wasn't really dead, but the part of me that used to be vibrant and full of life was no more. She may as well have been dead and I was certain she wasn't coming back. Things I once loved didn't hold luster for me anymore. Things that used to bring me joy now brought me misery and confusion.
I had once been a person who was in control of her life and her surroundings. I got things done. I was a go getter and I feared almost nothing. That is not true because I feared people thinking less of me. I had been working in the primary presidency at church for a long time and I was on top of things. I know people thought of me as a pragmatic and responsible person. But after my downfall, I knew that their opinions of me had changed. I was fully aware that word had spread through out our ward and I was mortified beyond belief.
Our house was going to be finished in one month and I decided to hide out from everyone I knew. I was looking forward to moving because it meant that I could start fresh. No one in our new community would know of our circumstances and I felt that I could leave it all behind and re-invent myself. Oh if only life worked that way.
I had once been a daring person. Schneiman and I talked about this numerous times and he believed that the old Veronica was not dead, but had been shocked into hybernation. He said all we needed to do was wake her up so on one occasion he gave me an assignment. He said he wanted Cody, Ethan and I to go to the local ski resort and ride the tram. It would take us up to 10,000 feet elevation and drop us off at the top of the mountain. Then we would catch another tram back down to the resort. He wanted me to do this because it was a great opportunity to practice REBT in a real life setting. (I will touch more on REBT in a later episode).
So one Saturday we packed up and drove to the ski resort. To shorten the story, it was a terrible and frightening experince for me. I was overcome with panic the whole time and after we got off the tram, I got on the ground and held Ethan and sobbed like a child. I cried because I was scared, but I cried more out of frustration. Why did I feel so much anxiety from the experience? It my normal mind it would have given me a rush and I would have gotten to the bottom and jumped right back on to do it again. But there I sat on the cold cement, clinging to my child, my knuckles white with fear.
Where was the old Veronica? Would I ever meet her again?
This is us at the top of the mountain after riding the tram. The smile on my face is very forced.
2 comments:
I am caught up on your story since your vacation. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for your next posts. :) Honestly, you maybe should write a book. You're very good with words and this is something that could help so many people out there.
Til next time!
i just wanted to tell you, thank you. reading this had reminded me that I am not alone in these "wack job" feelings that engulf me everyday/night. So, just Thanks!
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